Enjoy the moment! - caution DEEP

Life is all about stress. And anxiety. And overscheduling. And sometimes there's nothing to be done about it. Sure, someone can sit back and say, "Well, you really don't need to be doing that (or this or the other thing)", but in my mind there really isn't anything that can be let go... except..... the future.

This rather deep thought came to me last night as I was riding my motorcycle home, after work, in the rain. With the hard rain pelting my skin and face and feeling like hail, I decided to enjoy it. I might never ever ride again. Pretty unlikely, as that's my favorite mode of transport, but what if it did happen? What if the last ride I ever did was just endured, in my haste to get out of the rain, to get home. Or, what if it was enjoyed, and relished, and laughed at (a kind of "bring it on" type of mentality).

This is a big problem for me. I feel like I need to enjoy the journey more and forget about the destination and what I'll do when I get there. I think all of us do.

So, rather than fret and stew because it's raining really hard and the chicken coop won't get worked on, like I planned, I'll just enjoy the rain. It was really a soft, warm rain (just not out on the bike..), and it's not like it was 35 deg. And sure, my laundry was wetter when I got home than it was when I hung it out that morning, but you know what? It will dry! The chickens won't perish because I can't keep them in their pen. The garden will grow despite the weeds, but what won't happen is ever getting this day back again. It's gone. Kaput! Never to be relived, so live it while it's here. Or enjoy the moment, no matter what it brings. Or the best yet...just smile and let it go!

I struggle on a daily basis with depression and even more than that, anxiety. I am constantly trying to put a lid on this bubbling pot and keep it under control. And, because I really really really don't want that pot (and myself) to blow apart, I'm always aware of the little things that trigger this, ever under the surface, anxiety.

Right now, it's about money. In 5 mins it will be something else. I figure if I get good enough at talking myself down, then eventually it will become a habit, much like worrying about everything and everybody has become.

Just let it go and smile! Small words, big task, but I will win! Bring it!!

On a bit of a cuter note, I wrote yesterday about my baby buk-buk thinking it's a cow and roosting on the back of the calves, I took a picture and here it is! Too cute!!

And it's things like this that can make me smile, enjoy the moment, and truly relax!

Distractions and Depression

Since I made the decision to try to handle my depression and anxiety naturally (via diet, exercise, supplements...) rather than Prozac there have been some things I've noticed.
The first and foremost being that I can't hold a train of thought much past about 2.3 seconds. That means officially I have the attention span of sawdust. Not good. I depend on my brain far to much for it to be off wandering around without supervision.
A few years ago, for my birthday, my brothers chipped in and bought me a portable brain. (Palm Treo - phone, calendar, alarm clock, checkbook, and also doubles as an ipod as well as shopping lists, lists of songs I like, lists of stuff that MUST be done yesterday, lists of all my lists - love lists!). LOVE IT!! If I could find it when I needed it that would be great. No problem, I just call myself! Unless I forget to turn the phone off before I set it down and wander off somewhere.
Another problem is thinking about checking my lists in the first place. So now it comes down to I need something to remind me to check my reminders. In other words, I think I need a keeper! Baby Brother, H, help me out here!

The anxiety is worse, but I've figured out a couple of triggers that are responsible for 90% of it, and just take a few deep breaths, work it all out in my sawdust pile and basically tell myself it just doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if I'm a few minutes late for whatever. It doesn't matter that I have to do this, that and the other thing, I'll just do them when I can. I'll list them in my Palm and then basically forget about it.
It is still a constant struggle, but at this point, I'm successfully fighting it.

This was one of the reasons I decided to try walking to work. I've always felt better when I'm outside, and it's much easier to relax and unwind (or not wind in the first place) while I'm hiking in the sunshine. The factors that lately have prevented me from walking (this morning we chased horses, thereby making me late for work to start off - but it doesn't really matter if I'm a few minutes late, I just drive rather than walk.)

The horses were out, through no fault of my own. My current resident and her 2 y/o adorable monkey were out playing with the horses yesterday. By all means, unplug the fence, I don't want the Monkey to get zapped, but please, please, please plug it back in when you're done. But you know what? It just doesn't matter. In the grand scheme of things, yeah, I didn't get to walk to work because I would have been late because I chased horses because the fence didn't get plugged back in, but I got exercise and fresh air chasing the horses. It just doesn't matter that much. Next week, I'll look back and notice that it took me all of about 1 hour to get the horses back in and fix the fences, stuff I enjoy doing anyway, just not when I want to walk to work. But it just doesn't matter.

Plus... last night was taco night at the bar, and since a Michigan team was playing (Tigers) the drinks were on sale. And since I needed to relax we did the 6 pack and Bob Seger thing, and it was all good. And it was all good until someone who shall remain nameless happened to notice that the bar was closing shortly. A shotgun would have taken out that clock very neatly, but I didn't happen to have mine with me, so we just went home.

Not much got done around the house, but you know what? It just doesn't matter, it's all good! And I'll work on it tonight, if I remember.

And if I don't get it done, it will be "whatever". Playing with the Monkey, or whatever happens was probably more important in the first place. It's all good.

Breathe, enjoy life, know that you'll never be handed more than you can handle, and just deal. Most of the stuff that triggers my anxiety just doesn't matter that much. And if it does, then I'll deal with it as soon as I can find it in my sawdust pile!