Enjoy the moment! - caution DEEP

Life is all about stress. And anxiety. And overscheduling. And sometimes there's nothing to be done about it. Sure, someone can sit back and say, "Well, you really don't need to be doing that (or this or the other thing)", but in my mind there really isn't anything that can be let go... except..... the future.

This rather deep thought came to me last night as I was riding my motorcycle home, after work, in the rain. With the hard rain pelting my skin and face and feeling like hail, I decided to enjoy it. I might never ever ride again. Pretty unlikely, as that's my favorite mode of transport, but what if it did happen? What if the last ride I ever did was just endured, in my haste to get out of the rain, to get home. Or, what if it was enjoyed, and relished, and laughed at (a kind of "bring it on" type of mentality).

This is a big problem for me. I feel like I need to enjoy the journey more and forget about the destination and what I'll do when I get there. I think all of us do.

So, rather than fret and stew because it's raining really hard and the chicken coop won't get worked on, like I planned, I'll just enjoy the rain. It was really a soft, warm rain (just not out on the bike..), and it's not like it was 35 deg. And sure, my laundry was wetter when I got home than it was when I hung it out that morning, but you know what? It will dry! The chickens won't perish because I can't keep them in their pen. The garden will grow despite the weeds, but what won't happen is ever getting this day back again. It's gone. Kaput! Never to be relived, so live it while it's here. Or enjoy the moment, no matter what it brings. Or the best yet...just smile and let it go!

I struggle on a daily basis with depression and even more than that, anxiety. I am constantly trying to put a lid on this bubbling pot and keep it under control. And, because I really really really don't want that pot (and myself) to blow apart, I'm always aware of the little things that trigger this, ever under the surface, anxiety.

Right now, it's about money. In 5 mins it will be something else. I figure if I get good enough at talking myself down, then eventually it will become a habit, much like worrying about everything and everybody has become.

Just let it go and smile! Small words, big task, but I will win! Bring it!!

On a bit of a cuter note, I wrote yesterday about my baby buk-buk thinking it's a cow and roosting on the back of the calves, I took a picture and here it is! Too cute!!

And it's things like this that can make me smile, enjoy the moment, and truly relax!

Distractions and Depression

Since I made the decision to try to handle my depression and anxiety naturally (via diet, exercise, supplements...) rather than Prozac there have been some things I've noticed.
The first and foremost being that I can't hold a train of thought much past about 2.3 seconds. That means officially I have the attention span of sawdust. Not good. I depend on my brain far to much for it to be off wandering around without supervision.
A few years ago, for my birthday, my brothers chipped in and bought me a portable brain. (Palm Treo - phone, calendar, alarm clock, checkbook, and also doubles as an ipod as well as shopping lists, lists of songs I like, lists of stuff that MUST be done yesterday, lists of all my lists - love lists!). LOVE IT!! If I could find it when I needed it that would be great. No problem, I just call myself! Unless I forget to turn the phone off before I set it down and wander off somewhere.
Another problem is thinking about checking my lists in the first place. So now it comes down to I need something to remind me to check my reminders. In other words, I think I need a keeper! Baby Brother, H, help me out here!

The anxiety is worse, but I've figured out a couple of triggers that are responsible for 90% of it, and just take a few deep breaths, work it all out in my sawdust pile and basically tell myself it just doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if I'm a few minutes late for whatever. It doesn't matter that I have to do this, that and the other thing, I'll just do them when I can. I'll list them in my Palm and then basically forget about it.
It is still a constant struggle, but at this point, I'm successfully fighting it.

This was one of the reasons I decided to try walking to work. I've always felt better when I'm outside, and it's much easier to relax and unwind (or not wind in the first place) while I'm hiking in the sunshine. The factors that lately have prevented me from walking (this morning we chased horses, thereby making me late for work to start off - but it doesn't really matter if I'm a few minutes late, I just drive rather than walk.)

The horses were out, through no fault of my own. My current resident and her 2 y/o adorable monkey were out playing with the horses yesterday. By all means, unplug the fence, I don't want the Monkey to get zapped, but please, please, please plug it back in when you're done. But you know what? It just doesn't matter. In the grand scheme of things, yeah, I didn't get to walk to work because I would have been late because I chased horses because the fence didn't get plugged back in, but I got exercise and fresh air chasing the horses. It just doesn't matter that much. Next week, I'll look back and notice that it took me all of about 1 hour to get the horses back in and fix the fences, stuff I enjoy doing anyway, just not when I want to walk to work. But it just doesn't matter.

Plus... last night was taco night at the bar, and since a Michigan team was playing (Tigers) the drinks were on sale. And since I needed to relax we did the 6 pack and Bob Seger thing, and it was all good. And it was all good until someone who shall remain nameless happened to notice that the bar was closing shortly. A shotgun would have taken out that clock very neatly, but I didn't happen to have mine with me, so we just went home.

Not much got done around the house, but you know what? It just doesn't matter, it's all good! And I'll work on it tonight, if I remember.

And if I don't get it done, it will be "whatever". Playing with the Monkey, or whatever happens was probably more important in the first place. It's all good.

Breathe, enjoy life, know that you'll never be handed more than you can handle, and just deal. Most of the stuff that triggers my anxiety just doesn't matter that much. And if it does, then I'll deal with it as soon as I can find it in my sawdust pile!

Herding Chickens

The Bu-Dawgh needs a job. He's totally entranced by the chickens and turkeys that terrorize him all day. Why can't he play with them? Well, he's a bit rough, being a puppy and all. Ok, how about the barn kitties, they are fuzzy and like to play. They just don't like to play with him. That's no fun. The only thing left is the baby chix and turks we have in a box in our bathroom. Yeah, our bathroom. Up here it's still too cold to put them outside, they're just feathered out so I can leave the lights off for awhile now and then, but it's still too cold to store them outside. This gets to be a creative way to see how many boxes you can tape together to give them the space they need, without taking over the house.
Another couple of weeks, then they will go outside, under lights. It's just too cold yet.
So, the Bu-Dawgh still needs a job. Or maybe a pet. That's it, I can get him a pet. When he comes to work with me, he plays with the Puff-a-Fluff all day, those are good days. But when I ride my bike, (and hubby has yet to build me a sidecar for him) he has to stay home all by his little self, and he's bored. If he had a pet, he could have someone to play with when he has to stay home.
Actually one of the remedies for mild depression is to get a pet. Since he's the Poster Puppy For Separation Anxiety, that would classify as depression wouldn't it? So there, medical research that practically shouts: GET THE BU-DAWGH A PET!!
Well we discussed it, he and I and he would pretty much be happy with anything, anything except a porcupine, he tried to play with one of them once and didn't win that little game, so no porcupines. Besides, when it's bring your pet to work day, and he brings his porcupine, and The Puff-A-Fluff wants to play, how in the world would we tell which was porcupine quills and what was just more hair?


Got lots of tomatoes and some peppers coming up, they really sprouted this weekend. The asparagus is all weeded and the rhubarb is just about ready for picking. Haven't gotten my blueberry seedlings yet, hmmmm, strange, the first time I got them almost immediately, now it's been 1-1.5 weeks. Hubby cleared a space for them, and I'm anxious to get them going.

We're still about 2 -3 weeks away from our frost date, although the weather has been so weird this year, it's hard to tell what is gonna happen.

Tonight? Gotta work with the Bu-Dawgh on the shock collar thing, the Red Wings play game 3 against the Dallas Stars and so it goes without saying that there will be lots of knitting accomplished, and well, all the other stuff that a homestead/farm/home requires. Like sweeping the floors now and then. And taping boxes together to make elaborate condos for the baby birdies.

I love baby birdies, but they don't love the Bu-Dawgh!

Black Dog, Revisited

Today I need to vent, just a bit, so if you're not in the mood to listen to me whine, feel free to leave. I've had a few people ask me about reference to The Black Dog. Depression has been referred to as The Black Dog. That's all, The Black Dog = depression. I fight with it pretty much daily. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, that's just the way it is.

Everyday, I have to watch the strongest man in the world, fight to try to do the little things that most of us take for granted. And every day, the strongest man in the world fails (in his eyes, never in mine) to do most of these things. And he knows it. You can see it in his eyes, and he knows it. He knows that he should be able to figure out the little things, he knows he used to be able to do it, and he knows he can't. And he knows that we consider it necessary that someone be with him all the time, and it surely burns away at his pride and ego to know that we consider him to be "incapable".

Yet, he still fights. Every day. To be the man he used to be. To be the man who is not confused by little things, like where to put the leaves he just finished raking. Stuff like that. Any why can't he get the lawnmower started, or which terminal to put the battery charger on.

And every day, we watch as he gives up the fight just a bit more, and falls into his hole. And every day, we have to figure out new ways to hold him up, to help him fight. To keep him going. To be the person he would want to be if he could.

And the next day it starts all over again. Some days are good, some are bad. I used to think it was the weather, it doesn't seem to matter. I used to think it was whether or not people were around, but that doesn't seem to matter either. We all have good days and bad days, that's just the way it is.

And every day I thank God for the incredible support system we (my mother, daughter, and I) have. For the phone calls from other family members, checking not only on the strongest man in the world but also on us. For the endless doctors who take our questions and treat us like we're the only patients in the world. For a husband who always asks how my day was, and if it was crappy, I can tell him that, and he listens. He knows he can't fix it, all he can do is listen, and he does. Even when I forget to ask him how his day went. For the friends and co-workers who hold us up in their own way, to give us a bit more strength so that in turn, we can give it back to him. And especially, I thank God for the strongest man in the world, who has taught me so much about living, loving, and life. There's still so much to learn, I will soak up every little bit I can while I can. And I sincerely hope, that if it's ever my turn to face this kind of insurmountable struggle, that I can do it with the same amount of dignity and grace and strength.

I love you Dad, but I hate Parkinson's.

2 Black Dogs

Yeah, my titles need some work. Anyone want to apply for the job?

I was here yesterday, but not here really. I tend to suffer from depression (black dog #1)and yesterday was one of those days that I could have gotten out of bed and crawled back in. Seriously, I was awake for 12 hours before I went back to bed. But enough of that!

On the bike front, the road is almost clear! There's still a patch that has so far resisted my mental orders to melt. I'm going to go up there tonight and have a talk with it. I want to ride my bike! I must ride my bike. Plus, there's the fact that my bike gets 50-60 mpg, as opposed to my farm truck that tops out at 11. There's also the path from the barn where the bike lives during the winter to the driveway. That's not clear either, but soon.

I woke up to a balmy 18 degrees this morning. Not condusive to path clearing, but the sun has returned once again and I expect a high of above freezing (dare I hope?) that IS condusive to path clearing. What's that you say? Why would you consider riding a bike when the temps are 18 degrees? It's really no different than riding my snowmobile. Put on my Carhartt overalls, heavy gloves, helmet liner and sunglasses and start her up. Look on the bright side, with temps in the high teens, the occurance of bug dots is pretty much eliminated!

So Earth Hour came and went. I want to personally request an email stating when Earth Hour starts and ends. Oh, sure, we read about it in blogs, and other emails and I get all excited and think, we can outdo this. An hour? Please, we'll do the whole day. A whole day w/o electricity, and gas and stuff, I can do it, just go ahead and tell me I can't! The mind boggles with the possibilities, maybe we can make it a week! Maybe this will really catch on and zoom! It's gone!

Next thing I know, I'm reading blogs and emails about all the things others did for Earth Hour. And I missed it. I kind of like to participate in these things, kind of as a thank you to Mother Earth for things like berries, leaves and stuff, and I missed it. So in honor of the earth hour/day/week that I didn't participate in, I'd like to request that special email please.

That's out of the way now.

The turkey egg count is currently at 9!! Maybe, just maybe I won't have to buy turkey babies at 6.67 a piece. Maybe I can make enough turkey babies to keep my flock going, plus, stock the freezer.

I love turkey babies.

The first Chickens that are scheduled to hatch should be on the 4th. on or about. Everyone who knows about these things say 21 days to incubate a chicken egg. It's personally been my experience that on or about 21 days is more accurate. So anytime now, provided that Mr Rooster has been doing his job, I'll have chicken babies.

I love chicken babies.

The Wings play again tonight, against Chickago Blackhawks. Should be another awesome game, and I'll be parked in front of the TV from 8:30 ET until ??? (or until it's clear that they're either going to win or lose and I'm falling asleep). Note to dd: this is NOT a good time to call me! I'll get another fair amount of knitting done, either that or Mommy/Bu-Dawgh time, in which the baby Bu-Dawgh (black dog #2) climbs up on my lap and cuddles. Hard to knit with him on my lap.

When I say Baby, he's pretty much 18 months old now and at about 60 lbs. But he's still my baby. And being of the Shar-Pei variety, and since he gets left alone most of every day, well not really alone, he's with the Siberian, he's the poster puppy of separation anxiety. And I since during the 3 or 4 hour window of opportunity for such things, I forgot to tell him that he was in fact really of the canine variety, like all of our 4 footed babies, he thinks he's human.

Go Wings! Go Baby Turkeys and Baby Chickens! And since the sun is out in full force today, maybe I'll actually get some work done!