Thursday, June 12, 2008

Fig Newtons... aka... Cookies 'O Satan!

My newest "moved back home kid", N, has found the oven. And, she has also discovered where I keep such things as baking powder and soda, chocolate chips, nuts... and, she found the cookbooks. Can you see where I'm going? I'll tell you where I'm going. OUT!! that's where, out, in every direction imaginable. First she started with innocent enough banana bread. Then it was blueberry muffins. Then she discovered Peach Cobbler Bread... (YUMM!) and last night I get home from work to find chocolate chip cookies on the counter. And.. the fixin's to make an Oreo cookie pie!
Good grief. I stand no chance what-so-ever!

My diet resembles that of a rabbit, love to eat raw vegies, fruits, grains, I've even been known to snack on a few sprigs of clover and alfalfa. I walk to work regularly (6-8 miles round trip). I farm, fight mustangs, chase Bu-Dawgh, garden, mow lawns (that's a laugh as I really don't have a lawn)and do other such things such as hoist 100 lb grain sacks high over my 5'3" frame, and wrestle with roto-tillers. I should be skinny. I should be a rail. There should be no body fat to speak of. And then along comes N. Who's getting to be pretty darn good in the sugar, flour and egg dept.

And I didn't see it coming. One day I got home from work, was tired, exhausted, very very un-ambitious and there it was, all over the counter and stove... DINNER! She had made dinner! And it was ready when I walked in the door. I decided right there and then that I would stand in her way and prevent her from moving out... ever! I also decided it would be really nice to have a wife. But that's illegal in Michigan so...

Back to the fig newtons. When I was in college, 3 lifetimes ago, my standard comfort food was a package of fig newtons and hot tea. Unless I was really stressed, and then only Jack Daniels would do. (Bob Seger and a six pack does a real good job of putting some perspective on reality too!) Yup, fig newtons and hot tea. Great stuff. I never quite got over my addiction to either or both. So when I come home to find that N. has gone shopping and among the items that have magically appeared on my shelf (oh yeah, she shops and does errands too!)that's when I went over the edge. I wrote her a long long note explaining that such things could not be permitted to exist unless she could guarantee their storage in a place where I would never feel, sense, smell, taste, or otherwise know that they were there. In effect they could exist if they didn't exist. Kind of a parallel universe type of thing I guess. Don't really know about that, I'm not big into physics too much more than that if I'm sitting under an apple tree and I get hit with an apple or a bird dropping, I can guess pretty accurately, from whence it came!

So the fig newton incident sparked this whole Creativity In The Kitchen Thing Who's Only Purpose Is To Make Me Fat(ter). As I'm leaving for work this morning she's mixing up the mixings for her Oreo Pie With Chocolate Pudding And Whipped Cream thing. I can't go home. Ever. It will be there waiting for me, in all it's chocolat-y goodness, teasing and taunting me into submission.

And they wonder why Chocolate has become not only the favorite food of menopausal women everywhere, but why it has easily become it's own food group!

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